describing dissociative episodes to a muggle:

it’s like

a combination of having no sense of bodily sensation and

being hyper aware that I am trapped in a human body

with no sense of up down or inside vs outside

internal | external

sort of like being trapped by an avalanche if the avalanche also decapitated you and shut off gravity for a sec while robbing you any sense of reality or truth also bestowing you a weary sense of amnesia under your feet so it’s actually useless to describe to you I could never actually possibly spiritually psychologically in verbal language describe this to you in a way that doesn’t reduce a terrifying bottomless gravity-less spiritual collapse into pathology can you just Google it?

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things that happen when I feel a deep impenetrable sense of belonging:

things that happen when I feel a sense of deep impenetrable belonging:

I’m open to critique

I laugh from my belly

I sleep deeper

I apologize more readily

I feel clear and less confused

I forgive easily

I feel connected and open to a larger sense of purpose

————

may I feel a deep impenetrable sense of belonging

I belong

may all beings feel a deep impenetrable sense of belonging

you belong

solstice blessing

may you be loved.

may you be whole.

may you be loved into your wholeness.


the magical thing about reclaiming all aspects of my self into my wholeness is that I recognize you and you and you as aspects of my wholeness, too.

I reclaim you back into my wholeness.

welcome back.

shame and guilt are lifted.

loving you becomes easy, even if I love you from a distance. across time space and intentional boundary.


may you be loved into your wholeness.

may you be whole.

may you be loved.

knowing that the changes may be intolerable

if i committed to slow moving body what would change?

what would i lose (what would be worth losing)

i commit to a slow moving body, knowing that difficult changes will come, knowing that what i lose may be intolerable.

knowing that beings are persecuted for their slow moving bodies, knowing that this is why the practice is on purpose.


only all at once does this practice make sense.

a complex un-tweetable thing

the everyday tiny decisions

If I meditate for 10 more minutes … if I don’t meditate at all… If I say hello… if I don’t say hello… if I respond to this dm… if I tell this person right now that I’m queer…. if I don’t tell this person out loud with my voice that I am queer…. if I see a tree today… if I sit down if I stand up if I speak or spit or stay in bed

is it this or that? if I do that, make this one choice, is it freedom or is it fear.? if I make this one decision am I contributing to wholeness or destruction and pain?

the everyday tiny endless decisions

if I have not first unsubscribed, made the emotional spiritual decision to unsubscribe from my ignorance, first and foremost. If I have not first in my tissues made the decision to unsubscribe from white supremacy, if I have not first made that choice.

the tiny decisions … it’s not that they don’t matter. It’s that they will always be confusing.

they will be confusing if I don’t have the clarity of first leaving.

all subsequent choices and (lack of) sacrifices and well if I think about it this way and spiritual compromises.

will be very, very confusing.

accidentally left my body came back on purpose

if you find me, if you have any inkling that I am

stuck to the ground, that I’ve grown upwards, that somehow I’m not space alien body leaving changling

that as a serial body leaver i come across planted

it is. not. by. accident. I jumped into my skin with the urgency of hair on fire. one of my teachers* told me you don’t step in liberation. you do it.


*required reading — Radical Dharma: Talking Race, Love, and Liberation

wholeness today

how will I honor wholeness, today?

by showing verbal and energetic appreciation for gentle subtle ways of being.

by showing verbal and energetic appreciation for loud disruptive ways of being.

by making a little bit more space in every container I find myself in.

by honoring direct communication.

by honoring intuitive communication.

for the sake of showing up, alive, rather than confused. lop sided. half empty.

today: there is space for everything.